Muslims and Addiction Part 3/4: The Hidden Problem In Your Relationships

Asalamualaikum,

My name’s Farooq, and welcome to this get-together, ‘Muslims and Addiction Part 3: Addiction and Relationships.

If you haven’t already, check out parts one and two inshAalh, where we covered general addiction and ways to prevent and manage them.

We also learned about addiction triggers to recognize that moment of craving and how to control them.

Today, we’re gonna dig into addiction further by seeing how it affects relationships.

Whether it’s friends, coworkers, or family.

If you haven’t found your ‘why’ for motivating yourself to work on your addiction, maybe this get-together will help.

We now know the ill effects of addiction for the one with addiction, but now we’ll see how addiction can also hurt those around us.

We’ll see how the Internet, work, food, and even learning can unknowingly negatively impact those close to us.

All of our actions have an intention, and that intention is always for positive reinforcement.

Unfortunately, what appears to be positive for the one doing the action, may not be positive for someone else.

May Allah reward you for being curious,

Let’s tie our camel.

Chapter One: Avoiding Mirrors

“The term double life refers to the addicted person’s secret engagement with drugs, alcohol, or other compulsive behaviors, hidden from view, even in some cases from their own.” - Anna Lembke, Dopamine Nation.

It’s important not to confuse addiction with passion.

Sometimes we conflate the two.

Dr Gabor Mate distinguished the two very well when he says,

“Passion creates; addiction consumes—first the self and then the others within its orbit.” - Dr Gabor Maté, In the realm…

Being in IT, I like to refer to this concept as the blast radius;

The components that are impacted around the issue.

When consumed or enslaved by an addiction, it’s difficult to see the impact on others because our site is often turned inward toward ourselves and the addiction.

As we go through the information, try to identify ways in which your own addiction affects yourself and others.

Self-reflection is like looking in a mirror, with some of us avoiding mirrors for so long that we now mistake others as mirrors, avoiding them as well.

You know, the ones who try and let us know how our behavior is affecting us or them?

And then we get bent out of shape, retreat, and then avoid them.

As the saying goes, the truth hurts.

This has a deep meaning that I think’s been lost in hearing it so much.

The reason it hurts is because it reminds us of the pain that we’re trying to numb through our addictions and distractions.

Chapter Two: Lost In Buckets

Don’t quote vocally: Abu Huraira (RA) reported: The Prophet (SAW), said, “Fulfill the trust of those to whom they are due, and do not be treacherous to the one who betrays you.”

Addiction can strain relationships in many ways. Let's go over some examples:

1.Trust and Communication: Addiction can ruin the trust between people.

For example, imagine a brother who develops an addiction to haram websites.

As the addiction progresses, he may go into stealth mode and become secretive, lie about his Internet use, display mood swings, or even find dishonest ways to pay for it.

And once someone finds out, and someone always finds out, these actions can break trust and make it hard for others to communicate openly with him.

As a result, relationships become strained, and honest communication becomes challenging.

Let’s break down trust and communication a bit.

So what’s the importance of trust?

Trust forms the foundation of solid relationships.

It’s relying on and feeling confident in the honesty, reliability, and integrity of the other person.

Trust is one of the largest commodities that we have as human beings.

In Islam, trust, or Amaanah, is everything the individual is obliged to take care of, uphold and fulfill when it comes to the rights of others.

Everyone has rights, but when someone struggling with addiction engages in deceitful behavior, such as lying about substance use, certain behaviors, or breaking promises, it breaks down trust between them and their loved ones.

Rebuilding trust requires consistent honesty, transparency, and accountability.

Where the one with addiction needs to demonstrate a commitment to recovery and take steps to repair the damage caused by their actions.

This might involve being open about their struggles, following through on their promises, and consistently making positive changes in their behavior.

For me, being addicted to processed foods, my health was going down the drain, and I ended up unlocking insulin resistance.

This caused weight gain, brain fog, fatigue, and mood swings, which affected my family.

And as I mentioned in our previous get-together, I was also going through bouts of anxiety and panic attacks.

Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops.

If a mother has a son struggling with a gaming addiction, he needs to actively work towards rebuilding trust by being honest about his actions, cutting out spending his lunch money or money to be used on something specific, on in-game purchases and downloadable content.

Over time, as he proves his commitment to recovery and consistently displays trustworthy behavior, trust can gradually be rebuilt within their relationship.

2. Communication

Good communication is super important in getting through the challenges of addiction.

Being open and honest allows someone to speak their mind, concerns, and emotions in a supportive and non-judgmental environment.

So how can addiction hinder communication?

Well, the person struggling with addiction may feel ashamed, defensive, or doesn’t wanna discuss their behavior or seek help.

They may struggle to properly communicate their needs and emotions because of the influence of the addiction.

On the other hand, loved ones may find it hard to address the addiction, because their afraid it might create a confrontation.

This could then inadvertently enable the behavior, which we’ll talk about in a minute.

To improve communication, we need to create a safe and empathetic space for open dialogue.

Now I know the term safe space, has gotten a bad rap lately, but only because it’s being abused by extreme political views.

There IS a practical use for a safe space when used in the proper context.

Part of that safe space is active listening, where both parties are fully present and engaged.

Where we listen without interrupting which validates each other's feelings, and trying to understand one another's perspectives.

Effective communication also requires avoiding blame or judgment and focusing on expressing concerns, and offering support.

I’ve done this with my own kids, for correcting behavior in general, and it’s worked out pretty well Alhumdulillah.

As a parent, I could just put my foot down and enforce everything, and say, “Because I told you so”,

But then I’d risk not preparing them to self-regulate later in life, making good decisions on their own.

I may even, by accident, wind up sprinkling in some trauma.

If we make the person feel shame or embarrassment, they’re more likely to retreat and isolate themselves, indulging in the addiction even more.

Even if you think you’ve removed the means of their addiction, they’ll either find a way or even replace it with another addiction because the cause of their addiction isn’t being addressed.

Now just a quick distinction between guilt and shame.

Guilt is the feeling that arises when we believe we’ve done something wrong or violated our own values or standards.

Like when we commit a sin.

It’s a healthy response that can motivate us to do the right thing, make amends, or learn from our mistakes.

Add to that Allah's mercy and forgiveness, and you’re setting yourself up to win inshAllah.

On the other hand, shame is a deeply rooted sense of being fundamentally flawed or unworthy as a person.

Unlike guilt, shame isn’t focused on specific actions or behaviors but instead, it’s focused on our inherent sense of self.

It can be very destructive and lead to feelings of isolation, self-judgment, and a negative self-image.

So, guilt is healthy for positive change, shame is unhealthy and paints us into a corner with what I like to call our DNS; Dopamine, Nafs and Shaytan.

Something else I came up with from IT.

Going back to the example of the mother and son, the mother can see how gaming has a harmful impact on her son's money, grades, relationships, and health.

And health, by the way, is one of the first things to take a hit with excessive gaming.

She can then initiate a conversation by expressing her concern for her son’s well-being, sharing observations of his behavior, and emphasizing her support.

By actively listening to her son expressing his thoughts and feelings without judgment, she can encourage open communication and a space where he feels comfortable discussing his struggles.

This approach of working together not only strengthens their bond with one another but also provides a foundation for supporting recovery and facilitating positive change.

In general, we wanna avoid the attack-and-defend method that many of us do subconsciously.

Where the mom might attack by saying, “Get up and get a job. All you do is play games all day. Grow up!”

And then he may defend with, “Well, maybe if you were a better mom and wasn’t always on your phone or shopping, I wouldn’t need to!”

The things we don’t articulate boil to the surface subconsciously with attacking and defending.

We cover emotional intelligence in part 4 of this series inshAllah.

Chapter Three: Blast Radius

Now let’s talk about Emotional Strain:

Emotional strain refers to the psychological and emotional burden that individuals experience as a result of their addiction or substance abuse.

It has a wide range of negative emotions and challenges that can arise from addictive behaviors and their consequences.

Examples are:

Emotional turmoil for both the individual and their loved ones.

Using food addiction as an example, let's say a sister has a husband who struggles with food addiction.

And when I say food addiction, I’m referring to processed foods since those are the only ones with addictive potential.

After some time, her husband’s addiction causes insulin resistance (which we’ll cover in the next series inshAllah), which in turn creates highs and lows in his blood sugar, causing him to experience mood swings, become irritable, or even engage in verbal or physical abuse.

If you recall, we learned about dopamine, in how it creates the anticipation of a reward and produces in excess with an addiction.

Well, insulin resistance can reduce the number of dopamine receptors, tipping our pleasure and pain balance to the side of pain, which causes us to lose our faculties of restraint.

Insulin resistance is also strongly linked to many mental pathologies, like bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and Alzheimer's disease.

The emotional strain from all of this can be overwhelming for the wife and the family, as she worries about not only her husband’s well-being but her own and feels helpless because she can’t understand her husband’s behavior.

This, by the way, can create trauma for the wife and cause her to seek an escape by adopting her own addiction.

Then we have the Emotional Impact:

Although similar to turmoil, I’m referring to how addiction puts emotional strain on the loved ones of individuals experiencing addiction.

Family members, friends, and spouses can have a wide range of emotions, including worry, fear, frustration, anger, sadness, and helplessness.

Because witnessing someone they care about struggle with an apparent addiction can be deeply distressing.

Let’s say a brother has a wife who’s addicted to shopping.

He may constantly worry about their financial stability, her emotional well-being, and the potential consequences of her behavior.

He may experience a rollercoaster of emotions, ranging from anger and frustration at her actions to a deep concern for her overall health and happiness, as she puts shopping above everyone, including herself.

Dealing with emotional strain requires empathy, understanding, and support from everyone involved.

It’s very important for loved ones to offer compassion while also setting healthy boundaries to protect their own emotional well-being.

Jarir bin Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: "Whoever does not show mercy to the people, Allah will not show mercy to him."

It may require a lot of patients when working with a loved one about their addiction, but it will definitely pay off inshAllah.

This approach works very well within a marriage inshAllah.

The alternative could have bad consequences.

Where the husband or wife has an addiction that’s harming their mental and/or physical health, and because neither of them or only one of them is even aware that addiction is the cause, they end up blaming or shaming each other.

With the attack and defend arguments that I mentioned.

In many cases, they separate or divorce.

To give an example with health, a wife might have a processed food addiction, possibly to cope with stress in the marriage and as a result gains weight.

Over time, she can see she’s gaining weight but has trouble losing the weight.

Both from the addiction and possibly insulin resistance.

The husband, out of lack of knowledge about health, addiction, or stress, may simply start looking for a second wife or divorce.

By not identifying and working through the causes of these trials, we’ll simply just recreate them again with someone else.

To be clear, this isn’t the cause for all brothers wanting a second wife.

Everyone has their own unique circumstances.

We just have to be careful inshAllah.

Especially if a brother just writes her off with, “salams Felicia, it’s from Allah.”

Almost done.

Chapter Four: Out Of Bounds

Neglected Responsibilities: Addiction can cause individuals to prioritize their addiction over their responsibilities, such as work, family, or personal commitments.

For example, consider another married couple, where the wife develops a social media addiction, leading her to spend excessive amounts of time on her phone.

She neglects her responsibilities as a wife and mother, leaving the husband and kids, burdened with the consequences.

This neglect strains their relationship, can traumatize the kids, and creates resentment.

Neglected responsibilities are a common effect of addiction on relationships, and they can have wide-ranging consequences. Let’s look at three examples:

1. Financial Responsibilities: Addiction can lead to neglecting our financial obligations, which can strain our relationships. For instance, I have a work addiction I wasn’t aware of some years ago. I like to call it the ‘entrepreneurial addiction’, where I was prioritizing my new business ventures over paying bills, saving money, or contributing to expenses. It lead to financial instability, debt, and disputes within my marriage, because I was rarely home and when I was home, I wasn’t emotionally or psychologically present. I was too busy thinking and planning in my head. Always preoccupied. You may be thinking, “Entrepreneurial addiction? Come on, brother…”. Yes, it can become an issue; pursuing a business of your own can become addictive, as novel ideas and visions of success and planning create dopamine. Chasing possibilities and opportunities, then eventually sabotaging myself unconsciously by not seeing it through so I have an excuse to move on to another new venture. In business, it’s called pivoting. Entrepreneurs like the process or the game more than the reward. It’s dopamine. Dopamine plays on what’s out there, in the ether, separate from us. Whereas the here and now requires other chemicals, like serotonin, that make us feel happy and content. Nir Eyal mentions in his book ‘Hooked’, how introducing variability creates a focused state, which suppresses the areas of the brain associated with judgment and reason while activating the parts associated with wanting and desire.” Once hooked on starting up, I would hit a plateau point of actually doing the work to maintain what I’ve started, I lacked the serotonin and self-awareness to be content and wound up starting over with another great idea, chasing dopamine. I couldn’t even enjoy time with my family. They were no match for my addiction, which had hijacked my dopamine production. It wasn’t until I learned about all this stuff that I realized I was really just trying to avoid real responsibility, like taking care of the family or answering to authority at a nine-to-five job. It doesn’t mean that changing ideas or starting over with another idea alone is addiction. It could be attention deficit disorder or ADD, or ADHD. Remember, It’s an addiction when it harms you or others, and you’re still not able to stop and make changes for the better. Don’t get me wrong, starting a business is great, but just make sure you do it on the side of a full-time job if you have others depending on you. And you also have to get comfortable with the fact that every successful entrepreneur had on average, seven failed businesses before hitting that success.

2. Parental Responsibilities: For parents, addiction can cause us to neglect our responsibilities towards our children. Like the example, I gave with the mother who’s addicted to social media and her phone. Compulsive use may lead to neglecting her children's needs, and failing to provide a safe and stable environment. This can result in emotional distress for the kids, impacting their well-being and creating a strained parent-child relationship. Whether we accept it or not, when we are in the presence of our kids, and we’re on our phones and not engaged with them, they see the phone as being more important than them. The most important thing for children is their parent's love, acceptance, and attention. This type of trauma imposed on the children increases their own risk of having an addiction later in life, as they turn to outside behaviors or substances to fill the void created by their parents or caregivers. This outside behavior, nowadays, is usually tv or some kind of mobile device.

3. Work or Academic Responsibilities: Addiction can significantly impact an individual's ability to fulfill their work or academic responsibilities. Haram websites and social media, play a big part in this aspect of addiction. As a brother’s addiction intensifies, he starts missing classes, neglecting assignments, and performing poorly academically. This can result in educational setbacks, and straining relationships with teachers, peers, and even family members who have high expectations for his academic success. This can also effect his job, because he lacks the motivation to work. Add to that, that most who are addicted to haram websites or social media, usually browse or scroll into the late hours of the night, resulting in poor sleeping habits, which snowball into poor eating habits and eventually into some form of depression or anxiety, further driving the addiction. As as a side note, males primarily look at haram websites being that males are more visual, whereas females are more emotional and drawn to reading them.

Chapter Five: Where In This Together

Codependency: In some cases, addiction can lead to codependent relationships, where one person enables the addictive behavior of the other.

For example, imagine a wife who has a husband struggling with an addiction to processed food and now has type-2 diabetes.

Despite his harmful eating habits, she constantly provides food that furthers his declining health.

She covers up the consequences of his actions, progressing diabetes, and the other health issues that go along with it, like hypertension and heart disease.

This codependent dynamic prevents both individuals from seeking proper help, and the relationship becomes centered around the addiction or illness rather than mutual support and growth.

Codependency doesn't require addiction but can exist in a relationship that has an addiction.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family where there’s addiction, abuse, neglect, or other unhealthy behaviors, can increase the risk of developing codependency.

And children who are raised in such environments may learn to prioritize the needs of others over their own, suppress their emotions, or develop a sense of responsibility for others' well-being.

A branch of codependency is Emotional Dependence,

where one person becomes overly reliant on the other for their emotional well-being, often sacrificing their own needs in the process.

Consider a scenario where a husband has a cannabis addiction.

The wife becomes consumed by his addiction and dedicates all her time and energy to managing his needs and emotional turmoil.

In this case, she neglects her own well-being and becomes emotionally dependent on his well-being, inadvertently enabling his addictive behavior by placing his needs above her own.

And then there’s Fear of Abandonment:

a deep-rooted fear of abandonment, leading her, the enabler, to go to extreme lengths to maintain the relationship, even if it means enabling destructive behaviors.

This fear can be fueled by the belief that without her support, her husband may spiral out of control.

She may feel an intense need to stay in the relationship, even at the expense of their own well-being.

Then adding to that, the person with the addiction makes the enabler feel guilty if they express a need to part ways out of frustration and pain.

Making others feel guilty is often a byproduct of substance addiction.

It’s vital to recognize codependency and its harmful effects.

Both individuals involved in a codependent relationship require support and intervention to break free from the cycle.

Breaking free from codependency allows both individuals to focus on their own well-being, support recovery, and develop healthier patterns of relating to one another.

It also encourages the person struggling with addiction to take responsibility for their actions and seek the necessary help to address their addiction.

Last chapter

Chapter Six: Holding A Burning Ember

“There is a secret for greater self-control, the science points to one thing: the power of paying attention.” - Kelly McGonigal

As we learn about addiction, how to identify them, how to manage them and how they affect those around us, we can see just how ingrained addiction can be in our lives and the live of others.

Even our Deen, because our actions affect our Iman, in either a positive way or a negative way.

The shayateen also act as enablers, using addiction as an effective way to take us away from Allah.

That’s why having knowledge of the Deen and self is important to protect us on all fronts inshAllah.

As Quran states in Surah Al-A’raf, regarding the response of Iblis, “I will approach them from their front, their back, their right, their left, and then You will find most of them ungrateful.”

Part of this is to make us feel hopeless or powerless.

Being overwhelmed by our addictions or having to constantly make decisions.

This drains us and can put us on autopilot where we then give in to addictive behavior.

I remember when I reverted to Islam, I had to read the ingredients label of everything I bought; making sure it didn’t contain pork.

It was a lot of work, but over time I knew what to eat and what not to eat.

“When your mind is preoccupied, your impulses—not your long-term goals—will guide your choices.” - Kelly McGonigal, Willpower Instinct.

It can be overwhelming when we find that we have to face our addictions, bad habits, bad health, poor relationships, etc, but we have to keep striving and struggling every day to improve.

Anas bin Malik narrated that the Messenger of Allah(PBUH) said: "There shall come upon the people a time in which the one who is patient upon his religion will be like the one holding onto a burning ember.”

Allah knows best, but it may be hard to hold, not because we don’t believe in Allah or the truth of Islam, but because we’ve been convinced by our DNS (dopamine, nafs and Shaytan) to give up.

This is one of the ways in how addiction eventually leads to depression.

Thinking, “It’s too much, or what’s the point in trying, there’s nothing we can really do about it.

Or why eat healthful foods, our time is already written anyways. May as well enjoy life.”

And we often hear of people that really like Islam and know it’s the truth, but are hesitant because they don’t feel they can practice it properly.

Maybe it’s similar for those that leave the fold of Islam, doing so out of feelings of shame, unworthiness or loss of control.

Addiction negatively impacts relationships sooner or later, but we all need to remind ourselves of the Quran and authentic Sunnah for guidance and come to know ourselves to make the necessary changes to follow that guidance.

InshAllah join me in the part 4, were we wrap up this series on addiction by uncovering the cause of addiction.

For example, why do some of us become addicted to social media, games and processed foods, while some don’t? We’ll uncover all of this and more inshAllah.

May Allah reward you for being curious

Keep tying your camel.